Starsinherbelly: I love...

The red and black book

When I was 11 I looked like this:

It was the year 2000 and my best friend in the whole world moved to America, my mother had the cheek to produce another child! And I was in love. I was desperately and unrequitedly in love with X *. And sadly I remained that way for a good few years... despite never actually speaking to him after we left primary school...

I don’t know how to properly explain my love for him without sounding severely mentally ill. So, to put all of my obsessions into context: today I heard about a woman who is so obsessed with Johnny Depp that she actually changed her name to Depp, and has requested a 3 bedroom house from the council housing people because she needs a room for all of her Depp memorabilia and another room for other Depp enthusiasts who visit. So look like a model for normal behaviour after that!

This is my first diary, the red and black book.

[It begins on Boxing Day 1999 and I have inexplicably gone back and marked my diary, as if I were a teacher, with ticks and little comments like “I do too”. God only knows why.]

January

The first month of the millennium was full of self-loathing and insane crushes (just like the rest of my life really)

1/1/2000

New Year’s Resolutions:

1) To think about other people’s views before I decide mine

2) Finish Juniper Berry [my novel...LOL]

3) Try hard to spell and on my handwriting

4) Change and makeover before my birthday

4/1/2000

Went to work with Dad. I used Alistair’s desk as he was in ‘the cage’. Dad is right, Alistair is not the quietest sandwich eater. [WHAT!??!?!]

I am so nervous about going back to school tomorrow. I want to so much to be like everyone else.

17/1/2000

I’m sick of being taken for granted. I wish I could be really ill in hospital and see what people’s reactions would be. I bet X wouldn’t care.

Mum thinks she’s proud of me – there is nothing about me to be proud of! [Is there anything more obnoxious than self pity?]

18/1/2000

MRS SPEEDY

[for some reason I gave this day a multicoloured title]

We had a supply teacher called Mrs Speedy. She is completely strange, weird and creepy!

21/1/2000

Frances’s guinea pig died last night. Aoife went swimming with me. [these were on the same line. Strange strange juxaposition. Plus, I swim A LOT in this diary]

I love X. he’s...

Sexy, cool, funny! Intelligent, good looking, kind and caring

24/1/2000

I think X fancies me. We were joking around on our table at literacy and Chris and Alison said “you fancy Frances" to X and when I was looking for Izzy, X was walking down the corridor and he talked to me! [OH MY GOD! HE ACTUALLY SPOKE TO ME!]

25/1/2000

5 Pet Hates:

1) Old fashioned teachers

2) Mum eating

3) Dad sneezing

4) H K

5) M H

26/1/2000

I think I am going off X - he called me a plonker just because I asked a simple question.

I am beginning to think nobody likes me. I want to throw a massive tantrum or be really ill and then a lot of people will be sorry about a lot of things.

Although X said I was a plonker, I still think he fancies me because I suggest titles for his work and give him words.

He sat on our anything else table today Louise put a gas mask on and blew through her nose to make a strange noise. You could almost feel her smugness. [HAHA I still say this about people now so I've clearly grown up a lot since I was 11]

31/1/2000

MY TOP FIVE HEROES OF ALL TIME!

1) John Lennon – because he was cool

2) J.K. Rowling – because her books are wonderful

3) Jacqueline Wilson – because her books are wonderful

4) Judy Blume – because her books are wonderful

5) Nick Sharrat – because I wish I could draw like him.

February

I wonder if X loves me too and I finally turn 11.

1/2/2000

X is so kind and caring. When James got himself in a tantrum and was sat on the floor of the quiet area X went over and told Joe (who upset James) to fuck off.

The world is so prejudiced, I mean old people go on as if we are as different to them as aliens, they go on about us as if we don’t care about them and they don’t give us respect – why should we respect them just because they are older than us? Jenny showed me her disco invite design. [More crazy juxtapositions! ]

2/2/2000

School was alright except we saw a toad near the Japanese garden and tom chambers threw a stone at it and its foot came off.

9/2/2000

I went to Aoife’s. It looks likely that they will go to America. [I hardly talk about this at all! which is crazy]

10/2/2000

I found out that Alison fancies X

11/2/2000

Perhaps 16 is my lucky number and when I’m 16 something wonderful will happen to me! [hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I've no idea why I thought this]

We had an English assessment X got sent out because he was talking (we were talking!)

13/2/2000

14/2/2000

X got a valentines card. I’ve been thinking, X says he fancies “crap-head” and we all assumed it was AC (crap-x is Alex and they are best friends) but perhaps it’s me! When they asked him if it was me, he didn't say anything.

16/2/2000

One of my big fears about going to the Girls' school is apparently there are tampons and towels stuck to the ceiling – I don’t want one to fall on my head! [LOL! that never happened! where the hell did I get that crazy idea from!]

27/2/2000

I think mum’s pregnant:

1) Mum didn’t drink much wine

2) I overheard her saying “but then I thought, 'I shouldn’t be picking it up in my condition!'”

3) I found a positive pregnancy test.

28/2/2000

NINE WISHES

1) X was my boyfriend

2) I had a boyfriend!

3) I had all my grandparents

4) I had smaller boobs

5) You didn't have to go through all the horrid bits of growing up

6) We had a bigger house

7) I had a kitten

8) I had more beanie babies

9) Children could vote

March

My behaviour becomes more stalkerish...

1/3/2000

X was late and arrived at the same time as me!

7/3/2000

I sat on the same table as X’s sister at lunch because he sometimes says hello to her. He didn’t today. [Probably because his stalker was there too?]

17/3/2000

Mum is pregnant. [old news by this point!]

24/3/2000

X’s mum is the same age as mine

X carried his little sister home on his shoulder just because she wanted him to. This what he will do with our kids! [WOAH! I was 11! Seriously!]

April

Humiliation and misery

7/4/2000

Firstly we were on the field, talking about M H, who wears padded bras, and I laughed and someone said that I was the only one with real boobs. Then we were in the changing room and A P was talking about me (they seem to think I don’t care or have feelings). Then N J says, “how old are you? They’re a bit big aren’t they?” and then laughs and doesn’t stop. I cried and all the girls gathered round saying “it wasn’t me was it?”.

[I still remember the pure embarrassment and distress of this. It was so horribly cruel and, as I remember it, everyone joined in and then afterwards tried to be nice to me and pretended they hadn't been part of it. I managed to be the first girl to get changed and get out to the corridor where the boys were all waiting and I remember them asking me why I was crying but I was too inconsolable to speak at all.]

June

Still hopeful!

4.6.2000

School tomorrow. X might fancy me.

5.6.2000

Stood next to X in both school photos! So I'll be there in his memories forever! [how scary and creepy is that!!]

*Obviously, not actually called "X", I just picked a random letter the he couldn't be identified by! & other people

16 Feb 2011 01:27:20 | daily life, I love..., my teen diary

I can't wait till Christmas...

because I'll get to wear this cape!

12 Dec 2010 20:50:54 | daily life, I love...

December!

It's (24 days till) CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 Dec 2010 23:16:01 | daily life, I love...

it's getting chilllly....

For some it might be depressing to recognise the tell-tale signs of autumn but I love it. I love how dark it gets in the evening, I love the smell of the cool air, I love the colours of autumn... basically, it's probably my favourite time of year.

This is the season of...

1. tights

At the moment all I want to wear is little dresses with woolly or patterned tights with little dresses.

(all via New Look)

2. scarves

I've been a little bit boring in recent years and just worn these boring pashminas all the time. I have 4 and I am sick of them so I will be knitting a scarf sooon

(via straw.com)